August 29, 2006

 

Superstar!


Cartoon by Mike Luckovich

...By now, most people have read or heard that DNA evidence has shown that John Mark Karr lied in his confession about killing JonBenet Ramsey. Since the media is more than happy to turn anyone and everyone into celebrities simply to hype worthless stories, I have a confession to make.
...I was the one who killed the famous Bocksten Man, who was found in Bocksten bog outside Varberg in 1936. Seven hundred years ago I inflicted three fatal blows on the poor chap’s head when he wouldn’t hand over his bowl of gruel. He also made reference to having dragged my wench back to his hut the previous weekend after a night of drinking.
...Anyway, I’ll be available for interviews, flights across the globe with caviar and champagne, photo shoots, signature series spears, etc. Just call my agents at Dewey, Cheatum & Howe. I’m going to be famous and the American media will be my trampoline.

8 Comments:

Blogger a.m. said...

Well I know who killed Jimmy Hoffa and where he's buried. So ... pay attention to me too!! Me too!! (Oh, and since John Mark Karr wanted Johnny Depp to play him in the movie version, I would prefer that Kate Winslet play me in the movie of my life. Thanks.)

August 29, 2006  
Blogger Wild Mtn Honey said...

Thats funny, but seriously what a fuckin' loon. To confess to a murder he didn't commit?
I'm hoping they don't let him just walk away, the guy is sick.

A.M-I think Kate Winslet is an excellent choice!

August 29, 2006  
Blogger Kristen said...

So JP, who would play you in your movie?

September 05, 2006  
Blogger Foulmouthed Dick said...

I think people should be awarded for their atrocious crimes. I think we should provide incentives for criminal masterminds and psycho killers to keep doing what they're doing and to recruit new members of this delinquent society so that it may prosper and flourish. It only makes sense to provide fame to the wretched and disgusting and to ignore and avoid the citizen who tries to give back to their community in a positve way. After all, that's what this country is, a bunch of sick, psychotic nut-jobs who only wish to indulge in their obsessions and perversions. Think about it, murder should be the most prestigious achievement in this society being that it was founded on murder - the murder, rape, and pillaging of the Native American population. But really, who could blame people. I for one am obsessed with the murder of little girls and the spreading of toothpaste and M&M's upon thier deceased little corpses. Murder really isn't that out of the ordinary. It's better than sex!

September 05, 2006  
Blogger J.P. said...

If I were going to choose an actor to best represent me on the big screen, it would be a toss-up between Gary Coleman and Emmanuel Lewis.

September 06, 2006  
Blogger Foulmouthed Dick said...

Nah, you don't look anything like either one. You resemble O.J.

September 06, 2006  
Blogger Kelly said...

I think the guy was broke and needed a way back home to this country. What a yarn!

September 11, 2006  
Blogger Dana said...

I love this post. It's comical and totally true!

September 17, 2006  

Post a Comment

<< Home