August 22, 2006


Share the Wealth

...Consider this the first foray into what will most likely become a new tradition. It’s not designed to be a weekly thing, bi-weekly thing, or monthly thing. Instead, I’ll simply hand one out whenever it seems as if it would come in handy.
...I introduce to you the first Faint Expectations Share the Wealth Award.
...I call it that because of the story which inspired the idea of much-needed surplus penises: A 24-year-old Indian businessman who is suffering from a rare condition called “penile duplication” or “diphallus.” The man—who might be unaware of the money that he could make in the porn industry—is about to have one of his two fully-functional penises removed because he wants to get married (obviously his future wife isn’t considering the potential here).
...Anyway, since this gentleman is willing to rid himself of an extra phallus, it would only be fair to identify men who are in dire need of this soon-to-be-discarded extra member.
...For this, the first awarding of the Share the Wealth Award, I’m going to name two specimens: Alfred Rava and Tim LaBouf.
...I’ve mentioned Rava in my previous post about his history of lawsuits against things like Mother’s Day tote-bag giveaways at baseball games and nightclubs offering Ladies’ Night discounts on drinks, but NBC 4 reports that Rava’s frivolous lawsuit count is actually as high at 30. Surely Rava is in dire need of some manliness to deal with things that those of us normal men consider acceptable.
...The second recipient for this initial offering is Tim LaBouf, pastor of the First Baptist Church in Watertown, New York. He and his cronies at the church fired 81-year-old Mary Lambert, who has been a congregation member for 60 years and a Sunday School teacher for 54 years, because she’s a woman.
...The letter that Lambert received from LaBouf and his henchmen pertaining to her dismissal cited the first epistle to Timothy: “I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she is to keep silent.”
...LaBouf has a few male-female power issues which should be dealt with before taking the podium in a house of God. Might it be worth citing Psalm 7:14-16?
14 Behold, the wicked man conceives evil, and is pregnant with mischief, and brings forth lies.
15 He makes a pit, digging it out, and falls into the hole which he has made.
16 His mischief returns upon his own head, and on his own pate his violence descends.
Sources: IOL, NBC 4, ABC News


Blogger a.m. said...

Is it wrong that I love the fact that the verse says the wicked men is "pregnant with mischef?" And I didn't know pate' existed back in biblical times! Woo hoo!

August 22, 2006  
Blogger J.P. said...

It’s not wrong at all. When I came across this particular Psalm, I thought that it was almost like poetry to hear that one can be pregnant with mischief. Who would have thought that the Bible can be literature, too?

When I saw “pate,” I was a little surprised, too—mainly because the Bible that I have didn’t offer any accents like those that would be found in pâté. Then my favorite American Heritage Dictionary pointed out that “pate” is a Middle English term for “the top of the head.” I learned something new.

August 22, 2006  
Blogger a.m. said...

Well, depending on where you went to high school, you may or may have not been offered a course called "Bible as Literature." And yes, that was a public school!

August 23, 2006  
Blogger Kristen said...

I was going to write about the "pregnant with mischief" too but Amy beat me to it.

I love it when you quote the Bible, JP!!

August 23, 2006  
Blogger J.P. said...

Thanks. I always wonder if my use of Biblical verse might border on blasphemy.

August 24, 2006  

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